I've many pictures to post, as promised, but now is one of those "blog-as-journal" moments. Maybe someone out there will read it and hopefully find a brief moment to relate to, or maybe even find help in my struggles, but right now they are my own.
One of the hardest lessons of adulthood (for me, at least) is the realization that your life is your own to live. Everyone has challenges, and it can be helpful to run ideas off of others - to share some hot chocolate with a girlfriend and brainstorm, to cry to our mothers, to have heart-to-hearts with our spouses in bed. However, ultimately, at the end of the day, my path is my own. And sometimes, I'm forging new ground, and there are no answers that others can provide.
It's been one of those weeks. A week full of challenges, unanswered questions, and lots and lots of prayers. And there is not a single person I can call for advice who will know what to do (no, not you. Or you. Or you. Thanks anyways).
I was going to blog about Alinea and her nevus, because it's been on our minds a lot lately - we are going to a medical conference in Dallas in July to hopefully gain some insight - but that really isn't what's bothering me tonight.
Lately, I've been more and more sure that I need to be home with my children. I need to be a mom. I already am a full-time mom, of course, but I work full-time, too, out of necessity (trulytrulytruly out of necessity). With Lumpkin it was hard to go back - and we definitely had some "oh crap!" moments - but she was in good hands, and while it wasn't ideal, it all worked out just fine.
But now... three kids in and with life so much busier... there has just been sign after glaring sign. My kids need me. For a long time, I prayed to have the desire to be home, because I'd always had lofty career goals, and I thrived on that. Well, now that prayer has been answered and I don't know what the next step is. Even worse, my kids need me more than I can give, and I don't know what to do about it.
This is where the road untraveled begins. Although I guess I've been living it, ever since Dumplin was born. I keep trying and trying to compare our experience to those of others, to find someone who's made it work, and I just can't.
Nearly every single person I know who has more than two kids is a stay-at-home mom (not us). Every full-time working mom I know has a mother/mother-in-law either live with them or watch the kids full time (not us). And not one of those people has the additional scheduling challenge of one of their kids only living with them half time (as is our oldest - week on, week off).
While I can handle any one of those challenges quite comfortably, all together they just seem insurmountable from week to week. We've had so much help through friends from church (bless all of you), but you can only ask so much of people. I can only ask so much. It's a terrible feeling to have to call someone for the fourth or fifth time and say "Sooo... would you be able to...". I feel the favors I can ask of others have simply run out.
Often these days I find myself playing the "if only..." game, which I know is silly and unproductive. THIS is our life, as it is, and I need to find the joy in it from day to day. But when the day to day is praying I can juggle my work and home responsibilities, trying desperately not to forget something for the zillionth time, wishing I could be more involved at Pumpkin's school, that I had more than an hour of playtime with Dumplin' on the weekdays, that I could get the kids on a schedule, that my weekends were more than cleaning and shopping and catch-up time, that I could have a date night with husband more than twice a year, and all the while feeling like our lives are one big Jenga puzzle waiting to crash down if one block is out of place... well, it's exhausting and stressful and not so joyous.
Which brings us to today. And the fact that I need to be able to work from home, or work part time. That I need to be home with the kids. That I need all of the above while paying the bills and having food to eat and utilities turned on and having adequate health insurance. And I don't have the first clue how to go about it. I feel like all the puzzle pieces are out there, floating in the air, and I'm just not smart enough to put them all together. That I'm just doing everything wrong.
I know that one day, I will look back on my current trials, and know that all these things will give me experience, and be for my own good, but it's so hard to see the end of the road from here. Right now it feels like life shouldn't be this hard, and it's my own fault that it is.
Hopefully one day I can look back and say:
| Two roads diverged in a wood, and I— | |
| I took the one less traveled by, | |
| And that has made all the difference. |
But for now, I need a genius. And a cheerleader. And a maid. :)
Any ideas?
