PS.

I just stuck my finger in a diaper full of poop.  Nice.

GARRRRRR (part 2)

So I am supposed to be working from home this afternoon and I cannot log onto my email from home!!!!  And the house is a disaster - even though we both cleaned this weekend - and the baby is grumpy and teething and crawling everywhere and Pumpkin did not nap when he really needed it (I don't care what my husband says, but sleeping while your 5 year old watches TV and dozes on and off on your chest does not constitute a nap) and he didn't even tell him he was going to work so now I am the bad guy who not only has to break the news of Daddy's imminent departure ("But I thought it was Daddy day?") AND I am way too prone to getting annoyed at the poor, tired, chatty 5 year old on my hands. And I haven't even eaten lunch yet and I have waaay too much to do.  Dammit.

But my email!  How am I supposed to work when I cannot log onto my email!?  And now the baby is crying - GAH!  

Le Sigh

Greetings friends.

It's another wistful, sad blog I'm afraid. At home on my lunch break, I told Chris that I think the stress I feel is starting to manifest itself physically - my neck and back are tight, I've been having headaches - and all the while I'm eating healthy and working out daily! Ok, ok, so I slept in this morning - we were up late watching "I Am Legend" (side note: wierd ending, and really, I don't like zombie movies. Far too intense. This is me: "Ahh..scary! I don't like this movie. Hold my hand!" This is Chris: "(insert laughing) It's just a movie!" Me: "Shut up.").

But back to the point. I am ball of stress as of late.

Do you ever look back on life and say, "you know, I really thought I would be further along by the time I was (insert age here)?" That's the way I feel. Back in high school, I thought by the time I was pushing 30, I'd be homeowner and have this great career, and be married with kids. I guess one outta three ain't bad, but I'd thought I'd at least have two. My parents had a house by the time I was 5 - which made my mom 26, two years younger than I am now. But their parents helped them with the down payment, and back then, parents worked at companies 50 years and had pensions and social security and healthcare taken care of and could afford to pitch in a few thou for a down payment. As a gift! (The moneylenders won't give you the mortgage if the downpayment is a loan, did you know that? I just found that out).

Nowadays our parents struggle like everyone else and no one really has a few thou sitting around. Nowadays houses are foreclosing like balloons being popped at a carnival booth. Nowadays asinine "leaders" are discussing charging entrance to even go INTO San Francisco. Nowadays we pay 15% of our paycheck to pay for a war over nothing? For what?

I am not a "sit back and take it" kind of girl, so when I get depressed about our current situation, I scour the internet for expert advice on improving our lives, our finances, etc.: "Get out of debt now!" "Top ten money secrets!" "How to make a living doing what you love!"

The problem is, the advice is all the same. The advice doesn't tell you what to do if you live paycheck to paycheck. They all advise to cut your debt - but "debt" is not the same as monthly bills: phone bill, car payment, rent payment, car insurance, health insurance, groceries, gas... what do you if where you live is just too damn expensive? If LIFE is just too damn expensive? If you make a decent living wage and it still isn't enough? If the country you live in just gets worse and worse.

And as always, I am a lucky one. There are thousands and thousands of people out there way worse than I am - yes, I stress, but the only times I really feel unhappy is when I pay the bills. Besides that, we have plenty. I have clothes, good food, great kids, a comfortable place to live. Our needs our met. Yes, my hair resembles the bleach blond-black roots of the 80s. Yes, it would be nice to wear contacts when I exercise so my glasses don't slowly slide down my sweaty nose. Yes, I'd be nice if I didn't have to hope I can add my classes in the fall and instead could just register and pay tuition early. I'm ok. Our family is ok. We have plenty. And one day, things won't be so stressful.

But today, you know... they are.

GARRRRRRRRHHHHHH!

I had a whole blog drafted about where I’ve been, what we’ve been up to, sorry for not updating the blog, blah blah blah… I’ll post it eventually, but sorry, you’re getting this for now.

I am so PISSED right now. It’s just one of those weeks where nothing is going right. at. all.

I know it’s not just me either. The one positive this week is I’ve started up with my workouts again (after a brief post-4th of July hiatus), and have actually got up every morning so far this week (go me). Working out usually helps me maintain my Zen.

However, there is no Zen this week. No Zen.

For one thing, I’m very unsatisfied with my professional life right now. I won’t blog too much about that here – rule number one is not to blog about work – but there’s been a lot of drama. I’m doing a lot of growing, as a manager, but growth is not always fun, and I’ve to deal with a lot of situations I’d rather not. (None created by me, I might add). Not to mention the virus on my computer, when of course the main IT guy is out. Fun, fun!

In addition, I’m in the midst of a very “what do I want to do with my life” existential crisis right now. (I go through that a couple times a year, but I like to chalk it up to my need to grow and progress and become a better and more fulfilled human being). Exacerbating the problem is the fact that I’m also on summer hiatus from my graphic design classes, which is my saving grace, my outlet. The plan was to buy the graphics programs and learn at home this summer, but various expenses came up, food and gas soared, and we, like everyone else these days, have to keep up best we can. Frankly, coming up with tuition – even community college tuition – won’t be a picnic this year. Not to mention I really need the software to take the two classes I want to take. Not to mention I'm sure there will be a few books on top of tuition and software.

(Note: I have to interject here and mention that while my main goal is to be a good mother and be home with the kids as much as I can, I do also feel that need to progress in other areas besides “mom” (happy mom=happy family), and if I’m going to have to work outside the home – which right now I do – and spend that much time away from my kids… well, I want it to be fulfilling, you know?)

In addition to being worried about my life direction, bills, etc., just stupid things are ruining my universe right now. For example, my mail yesterday consisted of a DMV notice saying I need to pay my registration NOW (it’s admittedly way overdue, but really, who has $150 just lying around right now? With gas prices, I’d buy a bike with that cash)! PLUS I have to get my car smogged (I just did that like 3 years ago, what the hell?). PLUS my engine light went on literally the day prior to the notice, and I can’t pass smog with the engine light on, which means I have to shell out to get THAT fixed before I pay for smog and registration.

My other piece of mail was jury duty notice. Seriously???

On top of all that, tonight we were going to go with friends on a double date that was already postponed once and now looks like it won’t happen because our babysitting isn’t happening. Now, in all fairness, I know it is not fair to expect anyone to watch our child, especially for free (even our relatives), but there really wasn’t a reason other than someone really didn't feel like it– the person, I might add, wasn't even the one who would be watching her – and frankly, it would have been nice to get out, given the week I’ve had and the fact that we double date… oh wait, never. We’ve never been on a double date. Ever.

I'll admit it, I cried after that. It was just the straw, you know?

I'm sure I'm growing as a person and what doesn't kill us makes us stronger and one day I know we won't be so strapped for cash and really, life could be so much worse and blahblah blah... but right now it just sucks.

To end, I apologize to all those who visited this blog hoping for pictures, a fun story, a Linny update, etc. and got a rant instead. Sometimes the rant is just necessary. Thanks for listening.