A New Outlook

I really have been insanely productive lately (see previous post). Well, at home anyways. I'm hoping it translates over to work this week. :)

I started working out a couple times a week three weeks ago, and then that progressed this past week to starting this workout program, where I work out 6 days a week, alternating cardio and weights, plus I eat fantastically well - all lean protein, eggs (mostly whites), whole grains, and more veggies than you can shake a stick out. Seriously, I eat TONS of vegetables. And like it!

On top of that, I also read this book, and it has unleashed a monster. It's like all the creativity I have NOT been making time for has welled to the surface. Last week we went to the art store and got clay and tissue paper for collage making. I draw again. I play music (we gave Aden a keyboard for his birthday). I've picked back up the long-forgotten embroidery project in my drawer. I've been looking into felt online - I want to sew Linny a doll. I want to get a machine and learn to sew, in general. And, of course, I blog. Katy and I want to start a blog just to catalog all our creativity.

The end result of all this - the exercise, the eating right, the tap into my creativity, the "me time" of being up before my family - has been amazing. This has been one of the happiest weeks I can recall in a long time. I play more with my kids - I have remembered how to play! - and being home with them on weekends doesn't seem like a chore now that it's full of play and arts and crafts and music.  I feel better, I look better.  I get to create again.  I feel more in tune with my body, and have a heightened awareness of it in general. I LIKE working out. I feel healthier, more alive. I'm more relaxed. I'm more productive in general. I cook - all the time - good food! I'm better at cleaning (seriously - all this cooking means learning how to clean faster). 

I feel more fulfilled, like I'm really on a path towards living life to it's fullest. 

Really, it's a fantastic feeling.  I hope I can keep it up.  This quote sums it up nicely:

What did you do as a child that made the hours pass like minutes?  Herein lies the key to your earthly pursuits.  - Carl Jung

The new dream

I just got off the phone with my wonderful marvelous husband (oh, how I do love him), and we had an interesting conversation. So many thoughts are rolling around in my head, that I had to get them down...

The hubby's current employment has ceased to make him happy, and he is looking around for a new gig. He's looking at a more corporate environment rather than a restaurant this time around, for various reasons. One is money - restaurants are notoriously low on the salary scale. The other is us, his family. The Disneyland trip - pics coming soon, promise! - made him really realize how much his schedule makes him miss out on family time. Corporate dining offers a M-F, 6a-3ish kind of schedule.

Much like Magnum, I shouldn't even be talking about this, he only just applied. However, I didn't realize how serious he was about it until today - he already talked to the nanny about switching her schedule and to his mom about filling in the day care gaps (Houston, we are a go). This is a huge deal, because I usually take care of 98% of that kind of planning (Cleaning and cooking, Chris has me trumped. But I am the planner in this relationship). For him to do that kind of legwork means he is serious serious.

The implications are major. More family time, more money, less stress. But also, a bit of guilt for me. It feels a bit like growing up and leaving the childhood dream behind. This is not to say he'll never cook in a restaurant again or open his own restaurant (and even if he didn't, I really don't care, as long as he is happy with his work), but we both are acutely aware that money once gained is hard to walk away from. He's been so supportive of my dreams - the ones that involve school and graphic design and more creativity and working from home one day - that I shudder to be the cause of him taking a step away from his.

Sure, it will be nice to pay off the bills, but if this is the path we take, I hope we both have the courage to re-visit the dream one day soon... if that's what he wants. However, as I write this, I realize maybe the dream has changed.* He told me yesterday that "he wants his work to be a means to provide for his family, and not the other way around." So maybe the dream now is summer evenings playing baseball with Pumpkin, more playtime with the Lumpkin, dinners at home, weekend family trips, etc. Perhaps that will make him happier than the "glamour" of working at a high-profile restaurant. And granted, it will definitely be a bonus for all of us.

Hearing all this talk about providing for his family and how much we mean to him, etc., etc. makes me fall in love with him all over again. It's just so... manly (heehehee). Really though, of course I know we mean that much to him, but it's very heartwarming to learn that we - me - are the dream, ya know? It also makes me feel much, MUCH too adult.

Disclaimer: I do not profess to know what is in my husband's head, these are only my own thoughts. (Honey, don't kill me for blogging about you and... get used to it). :)

Ahhhhhh!

Today has just been one of "those" days.  One of those weeks, really (and this was supposed to be a relaxing week)!

Only parents, or those who are constantly around children, can really understand what a bad day with kids is like.  It's usually not anything horrible... no one got hit by a car, no one did anything particularly embarrassing like swearing loudly in the checkout line or asking why that person looked funny, no one threw up all over me.  

It's more like Chinese water torture... an emotional drip, drip, drip until your forehead is numb and you feel like you are going to explode in hysterics.  

As I write this, Linny Lumpkin is screaming in the other room.  I have done everything possible - everything - to try and soothe her. I rocked her. I nursed her. I tried a bottle (both with and without rice cereal). I tried Children's Tylenol. I tried just holding her and shushing... nothing has worked. I finally just put her back in her room, waiting until she cries herself into an exhausted sleep. I hate it - every fiber in me wants to comfort her - but I've done all I can. She has Pumpkin's cold - runny nose, red eyes, a croupy cough - and on top of that is cutting her first tooth. I can actually feel the sharp little edge poking through her poor gums. I am no match.

Today was my afternoon off to be with the kids.  It was supposed to be a fun and relaxing afternoon - beautiful weather, a trip to the park, hang out with friends... but no.  As I mentioned, Lumpkin has a cold and is teething (no match, I tell you). Pumpkin is just getting over the same cold and is still at that snotty, coughy post-cold stage.  I was hoping to get some much-needed work done at home while the kids slept, but true to form, Lumpkin woke up from her nap the second I had put Pumpkin down for his.  Plus, I had to wake Pumpkin up from his nap to take the baby to the baby to the doctor... and I have been suffering the consequences of it ever since.

You would think 2 hours would have been plenty, but post-preschool with a cold, no.  I love our Pumpkin dearly, but when he is tired and not feeling well (and in typical kid-like fashion, doesn't know it!), he is Chinese Water Torture!  It was this wierd combination of bored, whiney, hyper, attention-seeking, demanding and bossy all at once.  Examples:

As I go to get him his promised snack:  

"Don't forget... I want an apple!  And not a smushy one like last time."

Drip.

At the doctor's:

"They have a lot of candy here.  Can I have a lollipop?"

"Yes,, but you have to promise me that you'll be really good, and play quietly in the corner while I talk to the doctor."

"I promise!"

While I am trying to discuss Lumpkin with the doctor (as he climbs on my lap): 

I'm the big brother!  What's that?  What does that mean?  Does that mean she won't heal? I can't see! Am I getting a shot?  Can I still have a lollipop?

Drip.

Dinner:  "I ate all my food!  Can I have dessert?" 

Me: "Nope, as I said before, no dessert and no snacks."

Pumpkin promptly opens the freezer to expect for himself.  

About 5 minutes later:

"Can I have a cheesy stick?"

Drip Drip.

At bedtime, Lumpkin was fast asleep until 10 minutes after Pumpkin was in bed.  Then she started crying mercilessly... this pathetic, coughy, croupy cry.  So of course Pumpkin starts YELLING:  "MOOOOOOM. The baby is crying!"

Drip drip drip drip... 

Going in the room, of course, means that it's free reign to stall bedtime further.  As I tried desperately to rock Lumpkin to sleep, Pumpkin sat straight up in bed, "Hi Mom!"  About two seconds after "Not another word!" he was still sitting straight up, grinning at me like he had just stolen a cookie. Two cookies.

It's almost 10pm now, and I think - I hope - the baby is finally fast asleep.  I'm dying to watch my rental movie (Juno), but all around me is the trashed house and unfinished work that I will probably end up doing this weekend.  Although I don't know when, as I am home alone with the kids almost all weekend.

Ahhh... and there's the screaming again.

Maybe I'll just curl up in a good hole.

Workin' 9 to 5...to 8..to 11...to 6...

I was sitting with our bishop the other day (and no not this, and certainly not this! More like this)... anyway, I was sitting with our bishop the other day and he asked how things were going.  I told him honestly, we were very happy, but things were kind of rough.  

Now I realize, on a daily basis, that we are very very blessed - we have a nice place to live, food to eat, wonderful family, wonderful kids, stable jobs, and Chris even recently got a promotion (lead line cook and a raise! that deserves it's own post...)  

But life, in general, is one big ball of stress these days.  

It's hard out there for a pimp. 

Seriously, though, we struggle with the same issues all families do these days:

• The economy sucks and gas and food are through the roof (especially living in Cal-expensive-fornia). 
  
• We love our children but it's hard work raising two young energetic kids. While BOTH of us work full-time jobs, and then some.  Our beautiful 5 - almost 6! - month old is not a good sleeper. So none of us ever sleep.  
• We crave quality time as a family, and as a couple, but most days Chris and I high-five each other as we head in/out the door trading home & kids/work shifts.  I stay up until 11:30p or later most nights just to see him after work (and the kids wake up at 6am...and Lumpkin gets up twice during that period...).  I want a nap just typing that.
• The majority of our sparse one-on-one time is, out of necessity, business: did you pay the car bill?  what time do you work tomorrow?  who is watching _insert child_? How was Lumpkin's teething/crawling attempts/sleep habits?  Was Pumpkin behaved?  Do you need anything from the store?  
• Did I mention I will NEVER. SLEEP. AGAIN?

It's a very glamorous life on paper.

However.

The point of this post was not to complain.  We have it no harder than most other people out there, and have it a great deal better than many.  The point is the bishop said something very poignant.  He asked, "Do you and your husband love each other?" (Of course I replied yes).  "If you love each other, than I promise you everything else will work out."

And you know what? It does.  Life is definitely hard work, but the results are worth it. I'm a lucky, lucky gal.

Who is going to bed.